How to Ask For Help as a SAHM

How to Ask for Help as a SAHM

When you’re a stay at home mom, it can be difficult to ask for help. Personally, it was easier to just do whatever needed to be done rather than explain to my husband how he could help. I already had systems in place and knew my baby’s routine inside and out. 

But there was a flaw in my system: I made my baby’s welfare contingent on my ability to nurture him. By making myself so indisposable, I alienated opportunities to give myself a break. 

I get it. It can be hard to ask for help when you are used to being the one responsible for your little one. But by denying help (intentionally or not), you set yourself up to not have help available when you need it. So let’s talk about how to ask for help as a stay at home mom. 

Start Early

The newborn phase is exhilarating, overwhelming, exhausting, incredible and so many other adjectives that I cannot think of right now! It makes sense that most moms need help during this stage. As you slowly come out of the newborn fog, be sure to ask for continual help, especially if dad is going back to work while you are at home with your baby. 

Be aware that your husband is not going to be able to help in the same exact ways as when you were both at home. This is because he is working to provide for your family, which is important as well. But that does not mean you can’t ask for help when you need it. 

If you have had a really difficult day with the baby, text your spouse before he gets home a simple “hey, I am struggling right now. I need you to take the baby for 15 minutes when you get home so that I can catch my breath.” This sets the expectation, and your husband is aware, rather than coming home (possibly from a difficult day himself) and being blindsided. 

It does get easier once you are out of the newborn stage, of course. But starting to ask early on in this new dynamic can set the stage for future success when you need to ask for help. 

Start Small

It could be something as innocuous as asking dad to keep your water bottle full while you are learning how to breastfeed.Or requesting an hour of alone time on the days dad is not working. Some moms take it upon themselves to ‘do it all,’ and because they are SO good at it, their husbands stop offering to help because they think everything is covered. So look for small ways you can ask for help to start with. This will hopefully keep your workload from totally overwhelming you.

Think Like a Dad

I’ve heard from other mothers who were resentful because they’re husbands just…made appointments, scheduled hangouts with friends, or generally made time for themselves without worrying about taking care of the baby. It’s not that their husbands didn’t care about their children, but that they didn’t stress about making plans for themselves. 

Make sure you’re communicating with your spouse. Don’t deny yourself plans (whether it be a hair appointment, a solo doctors visit, or simply going for a drive to clear your mind) because you are worried for the baby. As long as your family’s schedule permits it, schedule a baby-free lunch with friends. 

Change Your Behavior

Have you ever noticed yourself asking your spouse to hold the baby so you can shower/use the bathroom/have a moment to yourself? Have you ever noticed that your husband just sets the baby down (in a safe spot) and does whatever he needs to? Instead of asking, just do it. Put the baby in a safe space, and let your husband know you need to do whatever the thing is. It is OK to take the time for yourself. 

Realize What is Actually a Big Deal

I used to have major anxiety over asking for help because I was the main provider. I would feel guilty because I couldn’t do it all. But I shouldn’t have to. My marriage is a partnership. In order to have a healthy marriage, I have to communicate my wants and needs. 

It always surprised me when I would inevitably break down in tears from stress and my husband just didn’t think it was a big deal to take something off my plate. I had built it up in my head to be this giant thing that he would be upset about, when it wasn’t at all true. 

Let me be clear: your husband may not even know that you are struggling. Ya know, because you’re a freakin’ superhero. Talk to him. Communicate what you need, and work towards a solution together. This could mean he takes the baby every Saturday morning for an hour so you can sleep in. It could mean he makes dinner and puts baby to bed on Wednesdays so you can take a yoga class. It could also mean asking extended family or friends to hang out with baby for an afternoon while you go on a date.

Take Action

If you find that you are always getting overwhelmed in the afternoon each day, change the mood, change the venue, or change your own attitude. 

Change the Mood

If your toddler is constantly melting down an hour before dad comes home, start talking to her about how exciting it is that you will both get to see dad soon. This will take time for your little one to grasp the concept, so be patient. It can be helpful to set expectations rather than telling them ‘later.’

Try to change the mood by being excited about things to come, rather than willing time to go faster. 

Change the Venue

If your kiddos are constantly fighting in the playroom every afternoon, get out of the house. Take them to a park, on a walk, or play a game in the backyard. 

Create more structure by having a little lesson plan during the time when meltdowns usually happen (yours or the kids!). This does not have to be a full blown classroom type situation. Take 15 minutes to do story time, sing songs, work on their ABC’s (or whatever is age appropriate). Take your kid away from the area where they are more likely to melt down and move to another location. This could be your kitchen table, the front porch, or their bedroom. 

Change Your Attitude

Understanding that our little ones have complex emotions but difficulty expressing them can be eye opening for a lot of parents. For instance, imagine your toddler is throwing a fit because you said no to ice cream right now. Rather than being annoyed that he is screaming/throwing/whatever, try to understand that your little person has big feelings about wanting something he can’t have and doesn’t fully understand why he cannot have it.

The same goes for yourself. You aren’t upset that your husband didn’t help put the dishes away. You are upset that your kids were fighting all day, the groceries were more expensive than you expected, you only got a third of your to-do list done, and you still have to prepare the guest room for your in-laws to visit. The lawn needs mowing but it has rained for three days straight, the dog just peed on the carpet, which adds another thing to your to-do list, and you haven’t gotten around to washing your hair in four days. 

The reason that you are upset is that there are so many things on your list that you cannot possibly get them all done in a productive time frame, and what you really need is help but you’ve gotten so in your own head that you simply didn’t ask. You are a human with complex emotions too.

Mama, your husband is not a mind reader. Calmly (and politely) ask for what you need at that moment. 

Avoid Resentment

It can be easier in the short run to just do everything yourself. But in doing so, you set yourself up for burnout in the long run.

Let me tell you, it is so easy to resent your husband for being able to get out of the house every day. For being able to hold conversations with adults and not come home covered in food, boogers, or worse. 

My husband can just… not think. About anything! His mind is just completely empty if he is not actively focused on something. It Blew My Mind when I found this out. My mind is like that joke about computer tabs. 47 things going at once, and I can never find what I am looking for! I am constantly thinking about what needs to get done, what needs to be paid for, or bought, or returned. Who’s birthday is coming up, and do we have enough diapers to last until my next grocery run? 

When I found out that he can just turn his brain off, I’ll admit I was jealous, and a little resentful. I’ve since learned to appreciate that about him, but it took time! It is so easy to find that resentment and hold onto it for dear life. But you are doing yourself a disservice. 

You are allowing something you don’t like to take up space in your brain and life instead of focusing on what is truly important: your family. Don’t let resentments build up over time. If something is bothering you, talk to your husband/mom/cousin about it. That way, you can figure out a way to move past it together. 

It Will Get Easier

Everyone just loooovvveesssss to say this to moms of young children. But it will! You will find your groove. Learning to ask for help is no small feat. So be sure to exercise your humility muscles every now and then! It is worth it to ask for help when you need it so that you can be the best and most present mom you can be. 

Needing a break is not a character flaw. It is a part of being human. You need time to recharge so that you can be the best possible mother and wife you can be. For some easy self care ideas, click here. 

Remember to communicate with your partner. If you’ve found a way to ask for help, drop your tip in the comments below!