How to Deal With Secondary Infertility Disappointment

What to Do When You Aren’t Getting Pregnant: Dealing with Secondary Infertility Disappointment

I’m not pregnant.

I so badly wish this was a pregnancy announcement. For the fifteenth month in a row, I didn’t make a baby. And along with that comes the disappointment. The rage. The sadness, and emptiness, and feelings of discouragement. I should be pregnant by now. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to. I eat healthy and exercise. I monitor my cycle, tracking my Lh. Prenatals nightly and I limit alcohol. I pray. I Hope. 

And I shouldn’t be disappointed. I have a perfect, wonderful, loving little boy. Which is more than some women ever get. I should be thankful. And I am. But I can be two things at once; I’m thankful and I’m disappointed. In my body. In my mind. 

I’m thankful and I’m angry. Angry that my body won’t do what it is designed to do. 

I’m thankful and I’m discouraged. That I’ll never be able to give my son a sibling. That my journey of motherhood begins and ends with him. 

I mostly keep these thoughts to myself. I share them with my husband occasionally, but mostly the live rent free in my head. 

Endless Cycles

Every month I start my period, wishing it, willing it to end so that I can get closer to ovulating again.Hope starts building. I treat my body well and think positive thoughts. I time our bedroom activities to line up with the best chance to successfully get pregnant. 

Then I spend two weeks hoping, praying, biting my nails down to the quick with anxiety. And then the symptoms start. I pinpoint each ache, the bloat, the sore boobs. I track them all, determined to discover they’re traits of pregnancy and not pms. 

And then the acne comes. The mood swings and the cramps. I take a pregnancy test earlier than I should and the hope is replaced with devastation when it comes back negative. 

I become distraught. Spend at least a few hours in a funk; cry a little. Try not to let my little boy see mommy upset. Accept that my period is coming, and on the first day of my period spend any chance I get under a heating pad, leaving my husband to pick up the slack. 

On the second day of my period, I start wishing again. 

The thing is, I know other women are in the same boat. I know that other women struggle with this. And yet, I feel so very isolated. It feels like everyone around me is getting pregnant. It’s not factual, but it certainly feels that way. I see posts on social media announcing another little one and I am so happy for them, while simultaneously tucking away the sadness tugging at me. 

So let’s talk about it.

Know that You’re not Alone

Secondary Infertility affects roughly 1 in 10 couples trying to conceive. That is a much larger number of women than I would have thought. And that means that I cannot possibly be the only one feeling this way. If you are feeling alone in your journey to conceive again, know that it is not uncommon to struggle. I have been there. I am currently there. But I am going to hold onto hope that one day I won’t be, and neither will you. 

Speak to Someone that Cares

Unburden yourself from the idea that you have to keep these thoughts to yourself. Secondary infertility can make you feel isolated, but there is no reason that you actually need to be.

• Talk to your spouse. He may be feeling the same way you do, but you won’t know unless you talk about it. 
• Talk to a girlfriend, or your mom, or even your mother in law. They may have been through something similar but felt they couldn’t talk about it at the time. They may not fully understand what you are going through but still want to be there for you when you have difficult times. 
• Connect with someone in a similar situation. I have a tracking app (or two) that I use to monitor my periods and symptoms. There is a community forum included with both apps, and the women using it have formed communities to shoulder the weight of these feelings together. 

Seek Professional Help

Experts suggest getting help from a doctor after a year of trying with no success. Six months if you’re over 35. Speaking to a doctor can help pinpoint what the issue might be. 

My doctor was helpful and immediately sent me for lab work. I had an answer within a week of issues along with possible solutions. 

My husband also got in touch with his doctor to make sure all is well on his end. By being proactive, we have a better chance of conceiving than trying to go at it alone. 

Monitor Your Habits

Are you a heavy drinker or smoker? Do you regularly exercise? Are you in a stressful work environment? Are there extenuating stressors in your life that need to be addressed?

All of these things (and more!) can contribute to secondary infertility. 

Many women increase their vitamin and nutrient intake while trying to conceive. Heck, I even started taking maca root powder in hopes of increasing my fertility (it can’t hurt, right?), alongside the other benefits it provides. 

DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, speak to a trusted professional before changing your lifestyle.

Stay Positive

I know, this is the most annoying advice I could possibly give. But hear me out. 

By giving yourself over to these feelings of disappointment and frustration, you are doing yourself a disservice. You need to be the best version of yourself you can be for that precious child you already have. And allowing yourself to be sucked down into this depression spiral, you are taking away a happy and loving mommy from the child you have. You owe it to your child to stay afloat in the sea of your turmoil.

It absolutely sucks to feel this way. Angry that your body just wont do the thing it is designed to do. But that anger is directed at you, and your child doesn’t need to see you tearing yourself down. It is okay to struggle – and even let your child know that you are sad or having a hard time. But don’t get trapped in this cycle of beating yourself up, especially in front of your child.

Treat Yourself Kindly

Move your body. I have found yoga to be incredibly grounding during this stage of hope and disappointment. If you’re looking for a good yoga mat, I love mine. 

When I’m on the treadmill, my mind clears. It’s actually one of my favorite times to write. In doing so, I’m treating my body and mind well. Find a physical activity that centers you and lean into it. 

I’ve also found that losing myself for a bit in a good book can be quite cathartic. I’m currently obsessed with a few books right now. You can check out my favorites below.

• Throne of Glass
• ACOTAR
• A Discovery of Witches 

You can also check out my post on self care ideas for moms for more ways to treat yourself kindly. 

Who knows, maybe I’ll never have another baby. Maybe I’m one and done and just don’t know it yet. But I am going to keep my head up and keep trying. I am going to lean on my faith. And my husband, my friends and family and my doctor. Because I have no choice but to be overwhelmingly grateful for the life I have. Here’s to wanting more and working to make it happen. Here’s to hopefully coming back here to tell you I was able to conceive. And here’s to you getting there too.

Have you struggled with secondary infertility? What was the thing that got you through the hard days? I would love to know.