How to Respond When People Ask When You are Having Another Baby

How to Respond When People ask When You are Having Another Baby

If you have a kid, chances are that you been hit with the ‘so when will baby #2 get here,’ or ‘have you started trying for another,’ or my personal favorite ‘better get on it if you want another one!’

While these are usually well-meaning questions from people in your life, it can be especially hard when you’ve been trying (and failing) to get pregnant. 

Over the last two years of trying, I’ve learned a lot about how to respond to these statements in a way that doesn’t leave me holding resentment or leaving the person asking feeling offended. Read on for my favorite tips for how to respond when people ask if you are having another baby.

Don’t Internalize It

These questions aren’t about you, not really. If it is an acquaintance asking, they’re probably either trying to strike up conversation, or get to know you. It is not an attack on you or your inability to conceive. 

What other people say or ask has nothing to do with you as a mother. It has nothing to do with your body. You have to be willing to let it go and chalk it up to curiosity, not hostility. 

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Understand Where They are Coming From

If this person is a close friend or family member, odds are that they are genuinely curious. They also mostly likely feel comfortable enough with you to assume that this conversation topic is not off limits. In a bit, I’ll share some ways to let them know that it IS off limits. 

If it is a parent, they might be so in love with being a grandparent that they’d love to have more. Your sister could have had a super easy time getting pregnant so it never crossed her mind that you might be having trouble. 

Keep in mind that it didn’t used to be considered taboo to ask. If it’s your grandma, she may not even realize her questions are hurtful or offensive. 

Most people, when asking about having another baby, are thinking about what a joy a baby is. They see how happy you are as a mother and it is their way of sharing that joy with you. By that logic, it makes sense to ask about such a happy topic. 

How to Curb the Questions

With Acquaintances

Usually a ‘we’ll see,’ or a ‘maybe, in a few years,’ is enough to get them off your back. Sometimes I have found that it is easier to just smile or laugh it off and steer the conversation elsewhere. 

If they seem more persistent, I’ve found that a very firm ‘we’re very happy with the one we’ve got,’ is enough to stem further questions.

If they don’t stop at that point, you can simply ask them ‘why does this concern you so much?’ I haven’t personally had to bring out the big guns but that will certainly shut it down!

With Loved Ones

Be Frank

My cousin had a difficult time conceiving and was very frank with both sets of grandparents. She sat them down and let them know that while they would love to give them a grandchild, there was a sizable chance that it wouldn’t happen. 

She let them know that she and her husband were going to start trying and asked that they refrain from asking how it was going. If and when they got pregnant, she would let them know, but questions gave way to unnecessary pressure and stress. 

If you have the sort of relationship where you can talk to your loved ones, do so. They are not mind readers, and they cannot do what you need if they do not know. When my cousin finally did get pregnant, it made telling their parents that much more special. 

Some options to try include: 

• “We are having a hard time conceiving. It is difficult for us, so I would prefer it if you didn’t ask. I am happy to offer an update if and when we have one.”
• “Making a baby is a lot more pressure than I thought it would be. Please let me come to you regarding this topic.”

Nip it in the Bud

If a loved one is hinting more and more, don’t let it fester. Be kind but direct. If your family is unaware you’ve been trying, then they’re also unaware that these questions might sting. 

If they are aware that you are trying, it might be a good idea to give an update. I know it feels like it should be obvious because, DUH, there’s no baby. But realistically, they’re not counting the failed cycles or worrying each month if you’ll conceive. 

Most people live in their own little worlds and don’t pay attention to exactly how long it’s been. 

Response Options 

Here are some options for how to respond when people ask when you are having another baby.

• “No baby yet, but I’d be happy to let you know if there is a little one on the way!”
• “We are very happy with our little family the way it is. If another baby comes, we’ll be happy about that too.”
• “Hey, I know you’ve been curious about us having another baby. While I am not currently pregnant, here is an update on what is going on.”

I use the last one semi-frequently with our parents, just to let them know what is going on with us. 

Their Response May Vary

Understand that most people that ask don’t realize what they’re saying can be hurtful. They may be super understanding or they may be offended that it upsets you. They may back off or continue to ask. Stay tuned for my post on how to set boundaries as a new mom.

It is not within your power to control what they do, but you can control how you react. Personal relationships can be a minefield. Be slow to react and understand that it’s not really about you, even though it feels like it.

You can check out my post on how to deal with secondary infertility disappointment to hear from someone who gets it. 

Know that you are not alone. Know that I hope you get the baby you so badly want. And know that your child will be loved and well adjusted whether they have a sibling or not.