How to Avoid Mom Guilt

How to Avoid Mom Guilt

For my son’s third birthday, I used a box cake mix. This may seem totally fine to you, but the guilt of not making his cake from scratch was eating me up inside. 

You see, I love baking. For almost a decade, I’ve made my husband’s birthday cake from scratch. And not just any cake. I’ve tried so many different recipes until I finally found the perfect lemon cake with the perfect vanilla buttercream frosting. It is a special way I show my husband that I care, and by making his favorite cake, it’s something we both look forward to.

For his first two birthdays, my son got one too. It’s a special tradition. As he gets older, I’m looking forward to discovering his perfect favorite cake to make his birthdays extra special. 

But this year, I had to make a box mix. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I love making box mixes in a pinch! You might be thinking that’s what they’re there for! And you’d be right. 

For over a week before his birthday, my whole house was sick. I was scrambling trying to get everyone healthy while simultaneously trying to keep my house running. And also preparing for my husband to go out of town three days prior to my entire family travelling for my kid’s birthday.

I had to make the decorations for the party and wash and pack the clothes for our trip and bathe the dog and do the dishes all while being sick. 

I simply did not have the time to prepare a cake. Logically, I know that. But I felt beyond guilty about it. Which got me thinking: how much time do moms spend feeling guilty about things beyond their control? 

What is Mom Guilt?

Mom guilt is the feeling of not being good enough as a parent. That what you do will never be enough. It can stem from your own personal expectations, as well as expectations from others, whether that be family, friends, or society at large. 

Why do Moms Feel Guilty? 

I mean… I’ve felt guilty for yelling at my son. For the house not being as clean as I think it should be. For not devoting enough attention to myself and wearing baggy, stained shirts to the gym.

Guilt hits when I make boxed Mac and cheese and fish sticks. When I decide one more episode of paw patrol won’t hurt. I feel guilty for spending too much time on my phone. For letting him leave the house in stained shirts (which is ALL of them because my three year old is messy. That’s life!)

I’ve felt guilty for not knowing how to get my son’s fever to pass and for neglecting my relationship with my husband. I feel guilty whenever my son hurts himself even though I told him what was going to happen if he kept doing it. 

Guilt eats at me as a people pleaser, and it eats at me as a person that likes to be helpful. It makes me feel insecure and inept and unprepared.

I feel sick, wracked with guilt about things that range from major concerns to things that truly don’t matter, like will my son grow up to be a successful adult if I fail to get him to sit in his chair during dinner? Will he make friends in preschool or is he doomed to a life of feeling lonely? Am I feeding him enough vegetables and will he like me when he’s older?

Symptoms of Mom Guilt

• Low self worth
• Putting a low value on who you are and what you do
• Excess social media intake 
• Comparing yourself to what you see on the screen
• Negative coping
  • Downing three glasses of wine nightly
  • Berating yourself for a job poorly done
• Overachieving Standards
  • Trying to do it all and not giving yourself a break when you don’t meet those personal expectations
• Guilt for not spending enough time with your kids, for not being patient, understanding, kind enough, etc…

How to Avoid Feeling Guilty

We are all going to feel guilty at some point, for something. But managing those feelings can go a long way in avoiding mom guilt.

Take Care of Yourself

Spend time doing things for yourself. Wash your hair, practice self care, or go on a walk. Actively devote time to treating yourself well. Check out the posts below for more ideas on taking care of yourself:

• 12 Hobbies for Moms
• 17 Ways to Sneak in a Workout

Don’t Say ‘Should’

You can ‘should’ yourself all day long. I should have taken him to the park. We should eat healthier. I should have gotten to bed earlier last night. You could do this for an eternity and never stop shoulding yourself. Stop it. 

Lean on Your Tribe 

I have a whole post on asking for help as a stay at home mom. Talk to other moms that get what you are going through. Give yourself the opportunity to vent and decompress in a healthy way. 

Talk to your husband. I’m going to be honest, sometimes my husband just doesn’t get it. And that’s okay, because he can give me a perspective that I cannot see through the cloud of guilt hanging over me. Sometimes our partner can show you a new way pf processing, and I think that is wonderful.

Focus on the Positive

Even if your day is going totally off the rails, chances are that some good has happened too. Did you narrowly avoid an accident and get your potty training toddler on the toilet in time? That’s a win. Did you feed her three solid meals and have a dance party before she melted down? Win.

Did you make the bed? Brush your teeth? Tell your child you love him? Wins. Don’t take those for granted just because they were ‘all’ you got done today. 

Practice Self Compassion

I guarantee that the way you talk to yourself would be wholly offensive if you heard another woman talking to your friend like that. If you wouldn’t allow your friend to be spoken to that way, stop speaking to yourself that way! Be understanding of yourself and be patient when you’re having a hard time.

Being a mom can sometimes be utterly exhausting. Do not allow the mom guilt to eat you alive. Take proactive steps to avoid it! And, if you do find yourself feeling guilty, be sure to remind yourself of all the positives.

Drop a comment below and let me know the silliest thing you’ve ever had mom guilt over. You can also check out #momhacks each month over on my Instagram page.