How to Encourage Positive Behavior in Your Children

How to Encourage Positive Behavior in Your Children

When you have young children, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by the amount of pushback you receive on the daily. Age three nearly took me out! But these power struggles you have with your child are a normal (albeit exhausting) part of age appropriate development. 

Behavior challenges look different at every age, so what you experience when your kiddo is four is not the same behavioral pattern you see at six, and ten, and seventeen. Likewise, the behavior (or response) can be vastly different from child to child, even raised in the same home with the same parents. 

If This Feels Hard, You’re Not Alone

Like I mentioned above, the three-nager vibes in my house were next level. It’s common to see your toddler melting down. It is normal for your preschooler to test limits (who am i kidding, that’s all children at every age!)

Your kindergartener will push for independence. It’s all perfectly normal. Needing guidance doesn’t mean something is wrong. It doesn’t mean that you’re an unfit mother, and it certainly doesn’t mean your child will grow up to be a detriment to society. 

It simply means that when your child is challenging you, that they need a safe and productive outlet for those big emotions. Today I’m sharing ways to channel that back talking independent streak into something positive. 

Understanding Behavior Through a Developmental Lens

As I mentioned above, testing boundaries is a totally age appropriate behavior for your little one. His behavior reflects what he is currently able to manage. Let’s take a look at what you can expect:

Ages 1–2: Limited Language

This can show up as a physical manifestation. Your daughter wants the cookie that fell off her high chair but cannot express that, so she throws her plate. Your son didn’t want to share with his big brother so he hits him with his toy train. It can also include a lot of noise as they are figuring out speech patterns.

Ages 3–4: Big Emotions 

Your toddler is starting to have all of these emotions that he cannot name or express. His imagination is starting to take off and those two developmental markers lead to boundary testing. 

Keep in mind that all emotions warrant the same level of feeling right now. So being sad because she dropped her ice cream cone on the sidewalk is at the same level as being sad that mommy left her with strangers forever (in actuality you put her in childcare at the gym so you could work out for an hour 😉). And the boundaries being pushed can look like refusing to put on her shoes or pushing friends on the playground. 

Being mad because his older sister took his toy can look like putting her toys in the toilet. Being scared of the roar from a trash truck is the scariest thing ever because your toddler hasn’t learned to differentiate emotional levels. 

Ages 5–6: Growing independence

At this age, your kiddo has a grasp on language and has done some serious work on controlling bodily urges like smacking, flailing, throwing, etc…

This means that they’ve started expressing their personal opinions (most likely regardless of tact). It can look like negotiating, talking back, and strong preferences that may or may not be based in logic.

Gentle Reframe:

None of these stages are inherently bad or worse than others, but it can seem like the worst when you’re in the thick of it. Each stage comes with challenges because each stage involves growth. 

Try to keep in mind that these traits or behaviors mean that your child is developing and growing. Your kid will mimic what you model, so work on calm(ish) responses and framing things in a positive light.

Connection Comes Before Correction

While your kiddo is learning by testing boundaries, they need to feel secure. Connection helps children feel safe and cooperative. Try to help your child feel like you’re on their team. This can lessen the epic meltdowns and pushback. Let’s take a look at how you can respond at each age. 

1–2

• Holding your toddler if they’re having a meltdown
• Try soothing music, getting down on the floor with them, lowering the lighting
• Narrate what you see
• Redirect to a less hectic activity

3–4

• Have playful engagement before transitions
  • “Okay bud, it’s almost lunch time and we need to clean up. Let’s count all of our stuffies while we throw them into the bin!”
  • “We will be leaving the park soon. Let race and go down the slide one more time before we leave.”
• Give them chances for autonomy
  • Have them get plates to set the table. They get to choose who gets what color plate.
  • Allow them to get dressed (and pick out their clothes) on their own. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t match. Only step in if they’re having trouble dressing themselves.
• Give them time for solitude. When my son stopped napping, we transitioned to quiet time each day and it made a huge difference. Having a chance to decompress isn’t just for adults.

5–6: 

• Listening fully before responding or correcting.
• Be slow to shut down an idea or activity.
• Give them opportunities to showcase their independence, like carrying in groceries or getting the leash on the dog without being told seven times.

Make a point to fill your child’s “connection cup” early in the day. By making it clear what you expect of them while still giving them room to just ‘be,’ you’re allowing them to self correct their own behaviors.

You can encourage positive behavior without sounding like a broken record, and without constantly yelling. 

Set Clear, Loving Boundaries (That Match Their Age)

1–2:

• Keep boundaries simple and physical.
  • “You may not cross the street without holding my hand.”
  • “We don’t take toys without asking no. Give it back please.”
  • “Hands stay gentle,” while guiding their hands back to their side. 

3–4:

• Offer limited choices
  • Brush teeth or get dressed first
  • Carrots or applesauce for snack
  • “You may walk or I can carry you.”

5–6:

• Explain expectations briefly
  • “We clean up before screen time so the room stays safe.”
• Give them the chance to self correct before stepping in.
  

Consistency matters more than perfect delivery. Even if you lose your cool sometimes, continuous redirection will encourage positive behavior in your children.

Catch and Encourage the Good You Already See

1–2: 

• “You tried to use the spoon!”
• “Good job waiting for mama!”
• “We dropped our toy and didn’t get upset!”

3–4: 

• “You waited your turn, that was hard.”
• “You cleaned up the first time I asked, what a big boy you are!”
• “It’s frustrating when we have to stop playing. I feel that way too sometimes.”

5–6:

• “You calmed your body before talking to me.”
• “I saw you step away after your sister hit you, that must have been hard, but you did it!
• “I know you really wanted to play with Sally, good job making a new friend at the park.”

You can encourage positive behavior simply by speaking positively about daily life. Describe what you notice instead of judging it, and this will encourage your kiddo to seek that behavior in the future. 

Model the Behavior You Want to See

Your kiddo will mimic what you do. If you’re always yelling, they’re going to copy that. If you’re supportive and slow to anger, they’ll model that, too. 

1–2: 

• Use calm tones and gentle movements
• React to accidents (spills, messes, etc…) with an ‘it can be fixed’ attitude, rather than a “why would you do this’ attitude. 

3–4: 

• Label your own emotions out loud
  • “I’m getting frustrated, so I’m going to take a five minute time out.”
  • “It hurt me when you hit me with your toy. I love you, and I’m going to need a few minutes to get myself  calm again.” 
  • “Mommy is sad that we don’t get to go to the park today, but I’m glad I can take care of you when you’re sick.”

5–6: 

• Apologize and talk through mistakes
• Give yourself chances to self-correct when you’ve not acted the way that you wanted to. 
• Use the words “I forgive you” when your child apologizes for something.

Spoiler alert: You’re going to mess up and yell at your kid. What happens next will determine how your kiddo reacts as they grow and learn. Repair teaches more than perfection, so be sure to admit when you’ve messed up and show your child how you are working to not react that way again.

Support Emotional Regulation

Teach your kid what to do when they are feeling overwhelmed or careening leaning towards negative behavior. 

1–2:

• Co-regulation: comfort first, words later
  • “Mama’s here. You’re safe.”
  • “You are safe, that was a big tumble you took!”

3–4:

• Teach emotion names and calming tools
  • “That dog barking startled you, didn’t it? Did you feel scared or surprised?”
  • “Did you know that I used to get mad when my sister took my toys? It’s okay to get mad, but let’s keep our hands to ourselves.”
• Deep breaths, squeezing hands

5–6:

• Problem-solve together after calm
  • “What can we do next time?”

Adjust Expectations

At every age, you’re going to run into different road blocks when trying to encourage positive behavior. Try to remember that growth isn’t linear, and although you *think* your child knows what to do in a given situation, they’re not going to get it right every single time. 

• Ages 1–2: Impulse control is minimal
  Ages 3–4: Emotions often overwhelm logic
  Ages 5–6: Skills fluctuate with stress and tiredness

Gentle Reminder

Needing reminders is normal, even for “big kids.” We get told often that our son is so smart and ahead of his peers, but really he just has a large vocabulary and one on one attention (#onlychild) constantly. 

So this can lead to me assuming that he should just be able to do the thing with minimal requests or reminders on my part. Cut to me getting frustrated and having to remind myself that he is still young and this is his first time experiencing life.

When It Feels Like Nothing Is Working

It is normal to feel burnout and be discouraged when it feels like your sweet kiddo is showing his emotions in a negative way. This is all perfectly normal and perfectly frustrating. 

With toddlers, you’re laying the groundwork for how they react when feeling big emotions. With preschoolers, you’re teaching those skills in real time. And with kindergarten aged kiddos, you’re shaping life-long habits. 

Remember that small, loving moments add up. It won’t be long before these tantrums are a distant memory. Be sure to save this post when you need a bit of guidance!

Try choosing one age-appropriate shift to encourage positive behavior this week. Your love, effort and presence will go a long way in their ability to cope with frustrations.