How to Deal With Losing Yourself in Motherhood

How to Deal With Losing Yourself in Motherhood

This post would focus on self-care as a mom (specifically stay at home moms) and making an effort to ‘save’ yourself from being nothing more than your child’s lackey. It would offer helpful tips on carving out alone time and actually enjoying the unglamorous parts of motherhood.

Motherhood is an all consuming event in your life. I’m not here to tell you it is easy or rewarding or tedious or incredible because it is all of those things and so much more. What I am here to talk to you about is how to deal with motherhood becoming your sole identity.

This may have already happened to you, or possibly you feel yourself free falling into motherhood being the only identifying factor about yourself. Sometimes, mothers notice the changes as they’re happening, and others only notice once their identity is deeply steeped in caring for everyone else in their lives. 

I’m here to tell you that it happened to me, and it happens to most mothers, whether they stay at home, or work full or part time. Because of the nature of being a mom, it is so easy to let it take control of your life. 

What Does ‘Losing Yourself in Motherhood’ Mean?

When talking about losing yourself in motherhood, I’m referring to the slow, almost imperceptible slide into barely recognizing yourself. You may be asking yourself what does this look like? 

Ignoring Activities You Enjoy

You no longer make time for hobbies or activities that are solely for you. I’m not talking about no longer going to a restaurant because they don’t have changing tables or a place for kids to run around. I’m talking about no longer reading or biking or painting because you’re focusing on what your kids needs or want. Hobbies that don’t require a babysitter are often pushed aside to make room for more kid-focused activities, even in your down time. 

Most hobbies can be modified to include your children. If you’re into welding, maaaayybe don’t let your toddler run loose in your shop, but they can certainly paint or craft or ride in a running stroller while you do the things that bring you joy. Things you used to enjoy before becoming a mom. 

I also think it is super important for your kiddos to see their mom doing something she loves. You can read more about that in this post. 

Only Talking About the Kids

When you get together with friends, do you find yourself unable to answer the question “so what’s new with you?” Or immediately start telling them about the latest thing your kiddo did? 

I get it. It’s SO EASY to wax poetic about the latest skill your child learned or their latest activity. But what about you? Can you actually tell your friends about yourself? Or do you find that there’s nothing to really talk about?

I try to make a point to have real, honest conversations with my girlfriends about the parts of my life that are usually easier to brush aside. Things like buying a new couch, being annoyed that your insurance did not cover the full cost of a prescription, or your personal vendetta against the neighborhood birds that keep eating all of the food in your garden. Everyday life types of conversations should regularly be had regarding yourself and NOT just what you did as a family. 

Never Spending Money on Yourself

I got caught in the trap of feeling like I didn’t deserve new clothes. But my son? Well he’s growing, he stained all his other clothes, and look how cute this set is!!

But let’s be honest. You still have your stretched out maternity bras on rotation don’t you? I felt extreme guilt because I bought myself a 12 pack of socks because all of mine had giant holes in them. I realize now that it’s not ok to treat myself like this. 

Avoid this by setting a monthly (or quarterly) budget to buy yourself something you want or need. It doesn’t have to be a whole outfit every time, but I’ve found that having a line item in my budget helps ease the mom guilt. 

Losing Interest in Dating Your Spouse

This can be a touchy topic, but it’s SO important! Now, I’m not talking about the first 4-6 months after you’ve had a baby. That is a whole other beast and not what we are focusing on here. 

What I’m talking about is getting so wrapped up in your day-to-day life that you start treating your spouse more like a roommate than a romantic partner. 

And I get it. I don’t feel particularly sexy when my toddler has destroyed the three activities I planned for the day in under twenty minutes and I burnt dinner and the dog needs to go out and I was late to an appointment and and and…. 

We all have those days, and they are absolutely hard. But finding a way back to your spouse is important. In order to keep from losing yourself in motherhood, you have to be reminded every now and then how attractive and/or appealing you are. 

Below you can check out some of my posts on this topic:

• How to Reconnect With Your Spouse After Having a Baby
• What to Do When You Don’t Like Your Spouse

Why is Motherhood All Consuming?

Simply put: we do it all. We are the kissers of boo-boos, the handlers of appointments, the makers of meals. Plus those kids we made are pretty stinkin’ cute, so who wouldn’t want to be around them and talk about them when they’re not??

You created another human. You nurture, you protect, you provide. This can lead to every waking moment being dedicated to your child. This sounds nice in theory, but it is so easy to forget that you’re a human with needs as well. You have an identity outside of being a mother that deserves as much focus as what you do as a mom.

It’s so easy to forget the importance of YOU outside of motherhood because it is (in my humble opinion) one of the greatest acts a woman can do. This is not to say that there aren’t other worthy or fulfilling things in life. There certainly are. But motherhood provides a sense of purpose that few other jobs can relate to. 

How to Avoid Losing Yourself in Motherhood

You will need to actively participate in your life to avoid losing yourself in motherhood. This means not just letting the days pass by but doing things that bring you joy, comfort, excitement, or inspiration.

Ways to Take Care of Yourself

Ask for Help

You cannot do it all. I know how badly you might want to, but in this day and age, there is just too much to do for one person. Ask your spouse, your family, your friends for help when you need it. Check out my post on asking for help for more ideas.

Make Time for Yourself

By making sure to make time for yourself, you can avoid losing yourself in motherhood. Burnout is REAL. And it affects your disposition, your mental capacity, and your ability to function at a high cognitive level. I’ve got some great ideas for self care you can check out here and here. 

Decide What is Most Important

We all know that being a mom and taking care of your kiddos is important. But within that, decide what is important to you and your family. If it would save your sanity (and your family can afford it) to subscribe to a meal prep service, look into one that works for you. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

If you find yourself unable to keep up with all of the extracurricular activities, pare it down until your kid is attending one per season (or whatever works for you). If you have too much house and are overwhelmed by the amount of cleaning you do each week, look into downsizing. 

You do not have to do it all, have it all, etc… Most homes (including my own) are not Instagram-worthy. That’s not real life. What you’re going through is. 

Give Yourself a Break 

You’re probably doing a much better job than you give yourself credit for. I know that when I become anxious, I am much more likely to become rigid and unwilling to let the little things slide, even if it would make my life easier. 

Count your wins, even if they seem insignificant. Give yourself the same grace that you would extend to a friend going through a rough patch. 

Losing yourself in motherhood is an all too real problem for many stay at home moms. It can be upsetting when you finally realize what has happened, but know that you can work yourself out of it. You’ve taken the first step by finding this post. Be sure to save it or send it to a friend who might be in a similar situation.