How to Reconnect With Your Spouse After Baby

How to Reconnect with your Spouse after Baby

Having a baby changes your life in so many ways. It quite simply changed me as a person. My values shifted, my priorities shifted, and quite honestly, my body changed a LOT. Reconnecting with my spouse just wasn’t a priority for the first few months after my son was born.
Along with learning how to be a mother, I was dealing with postpartum anxiety. I was getting very little sleep. And I was trying to stay semi-organized and remember to shower once in a while. On top of that, I had just met a whole new human with his own wants, needs, and personality that I was charged with taking care of. The last thing on my mind was rekindling the romance in my marriage.

Although these are all valid reasons to feel like there is some distance in your marriage, it is important to remember that you both wanted to bring a baby into your family. While the changes are glaringly obvious for new moms, new dads are going through some pretty significant changes of their own. Today I am going to some ways to reconnect with your spouse after having a baby.

Acknowledge Each Other

Recognize when they do something helpful and comment on it. It makes me (and most people) feel appreciated when my hard work is acknowledged. This is especially true if it is something outside of my regular duties, like making sure my mother in law’s birthday present arrives on time.

Acknowledge their regular duties. Although we have designed our marriage traditionally (ie: he works, I stay home with our son) it does not mean that those jobs are easy. Just because my husband is expected to work and make money for our family, I don’t want to take him for granted. Simply letting him know that I appreciate how hard he works for our family makes him feel appreciated. Listening when he is excited about a project at work (or wants to vent frustrations) makes him feel appreciated.

You can also simply recognize your spouse when they come into the room. My husbands face lights up when our son hears him coming and starts calling for him. Even if he’s just passing through the room you are in, tell him hello, thank him for something small, or tell him you love him. It is the small things, done repeatedly that will help you reconnect with your spouse.

Equally, it is important to give your spouse respect when they are trying to talk to you. We can all be distracted when the entire world is in the palm of our hands, but making a point to not use phones during important conversations can bring you closer as you try to reconnect with your spouse. It seems like a small thing, but it can make a huge difference in your communication.

Make Time for Each Other

When you are learning how to be a parent for the first time, it can seem foreign to be thinking about dating your spouse, but I believe that is a time when it is most crucial. Now for the first several months after your baby is born, it is totally reasonable to be tired, cranky, and generally not romantically inclined. In fact, I would think it is expected. But after a few months, when you feel like you have a decent rhythm in place with your baby, it is probably time to turn your attention towards trying to reconnect with your spouse.

Even if that means just having an uninterrupted dinner at home, both partners can try to plan small dates at first. When you are more comfortable, ask a trusted loved one to watch the baby for a few hours while you get some much needed mom and dad time.

Be aware that it might feel awkward to find something to talk about at first when your entire world has revolved around the new baby. This is normal. During our first few dates post-baby, my husbands and I would find ourselves just talking about our son. Eventually we found our way back to genuine conversation and flirtation not revolving around our child, but it took some practice.

Know Your Love Languages

This refers to a book written by Gary Chapman regarding the ways in which we receive and give love to other people. After taking the quiz on this website, it was eye opening to see how much our spouse using our personal love language affected how my husband and I were feeling in that moment.

The five love languages are:

Acts of Service – actions show that you care

Quality Time – spending time with undivided attention

Physical Touch – being physically close

Receiving Gifts – heartfelt gifts

Words of Affirmation – using words to affirm your partner

For example, telling my husband that I am proud of him is great, but what he really needs is physical touch. Once I learned this, I was able to provide comfort in the form of hand holding, sitting together on the couch, or other small physical ways to show him attention.

Likewise, it is great when my husband empties the dishwasher so that I don’t have to, but what I really need to feel loved is quality time spent together without the distraction of screens or motherly duties.

Take the time to figure out what category fits you best, and I am willing to bet you will start to recognize that your cup of emotional wellbeing is being filled, as well as your spouse’s.

Make Time for Non-Dates

Although dates without children are fantastic, sometimes that just isn’t feasible. Until recently, we lived five hours from the closest family members, and that meant we only got to go out for dates every few months. In the interim, we had to come up with ways to spend time together even with baby in tow.

We began going on family dates at least once per month. This could be hiking, volunteering, walking around the mall for a few hours, going to a splash pad when our son got a little older, or even just going out for dinner as a family. If you want to reconnect with your spouse, try to find ways to spend time together that doesn’t involve chores or responsibilities.

My husband and I also began doing monthly meetings. We make sure our son is asleep and then sit down at the kitchen table together. You can do this while on a long car ride, together before bed, whatever works for you!

We usually do this at the end of the month to prepare for the month ahead. We look at our calendars and make sure we are aware of any appointments, work trips, birthday parties, etc. This is also a great time to do the budget for the upcoming month, so we can make sure we are spending and saving appropriately.

The point of this meeting is to make sure that we are on the same page. It also gives us child-free time together where we can communicate effectively without distractions.

Touch Each Other

Whoa, whoa, pump the brakes. Let’s keep it PG over here. 😉 All jokes aside, sometimes spouses can fall into their routines and start treating each other like roommates instead lovers. Making a point to touch everyday can rekindle romance in a non-sexual way.

My husband makes a point to kiss me ‘goodbye’ before he goes into his (at-home) office for work. Even though he’s not leaving our house, it still makes me feel appreciated. Physical touch goes a long way in working to reconnect with your spouse.

Some other ways to get in some extra touches throughout the day are:

• Instead of sitting on opposite ends of the couch, sit closer and let your legs touch while you watch a show.
• While waiting on food in the microwave or oven, hug or hold each other until the timer goes off.
• Slow dance with baby in the living room.
• While driving somewhere together, hold hands.
• Before getting out of bed to start your day, spend a couple of extra minutes in bed together. I usually roll over and put my hand on my husband’s chest. It’s a simple acknowledgment that puts us in a better mood for the day.

Check in With Each Other

Sometimes we hold grudges and we don’t even realize. For example, you may be resentful that your husband went out with his friends while you had to stay home with the baby. But did you check with your friends to see about planning a night together? Did you communicate that you’ve been having a really hard time lately and you could use your partner’s help? Sometimes we get stuck in our heads about a feeling and it is difficult to look outside of ourselves to ask for help.

Communicating regularly with your spouse about how you feel is important. If I don’t know how my husband feels about a certain issue, I cannot fix the issue. We like to remind each other that neither of us are mind readers, and so it is important to communicate so that we can be our best selves for each other. You can set aside a time to talk about any concerns you have, or you can keep it more casual. For bigger issues, we like to talk while driving. We live about an hour away from family, so that gives us time to discuss and come to a resolution.

For smaller annoyances (think leaving dishes in the sink, forgetting to set up an appointment, etc.), we try to tackle those immediately. If we nip it in the bud immediately, it does not have a chance to grow into a larger issue. If you see your husband throwing clothes next to the hamper and leaving them there, take the time right then to (respectfully, kindly) ask him not to leave his dirty clothes on the floor so that it does not create more work for you later.

Actively Try Not to Make Your Spouse’s Life Harder

This seems simple, but you have probably been guilty of this in the past. I know I have! In our household, my husband is in charge of all things car related. The only thing I do is occasionally clean the insides. Last month, he asked me to fill it up with fuel before he took it to the mechanic because he wouldn’t have time between work and the mechanic appointment. I was very busy that day with errands, chores and a cranky baby. It took extra time out of my schedule to stop at the gas station. But I still stopped and filled up the tank. Why? Because I have the flexibility in my schedule to be able make my husbands tasks a little bit easier.

Likewise, after my husband eats lunch, he rinses out his dishes and puts them in the dishwasher so that I don’t have to spend extra time scrubbing stuck-on food. If he sees the trash is full, he takes it out and replaces the bag. Even though it is technically my job, it is something he can do in passing to make my life a little bit easier.

Click Here to check out my weekly cleaning schedule for stay at home moms.

By actively working to make your relationship stronger, you can avoid building resentments over things that really aren’t that big of a deal in the long run. Have you had difficulty trying to reconnect with your spouse after having a baby? Let me know what worked to get you back to a loving partnership in the comments below!