How to Stop Constantly Saying No to Your Child

How to Stop Constantly Saying No to Your Child

If you’ve spent any extended time around a toddler or preschooler, you may have noticed that they ask a LOT of questions. And many of those questions require a yes/no answer. So what happens when you spend the majority of your day having to say no to your toddler?

What happens when that ‘no’ turns into a constant? “no, don’t touch’…’no, we can’t do X because I said so’…’no because {enter arbitrary reason here}’… Today I am sharing how to stop constantly saying no to your child.

Why Do Toddlers Ask So Many Questions?

The short answer is: Because they are learning about the work around them. The longer answer is: Because they are learning and developing their world view. They are pushing boundaries to understand their place in the world in juxtaposition to you. 

In the same vein, toddlers have very little control over their daily lives. By asking questions, they can alleviate their worries and fears about what is going on outside of their control. 

Why Do I Need to Say No?

There are plenty of times when it is perfectly acceptable to tell your child no. Times like when he wants to walk into a busy street or put his hand on the hot stove. Times like when she’s hopped up on sugar and is demanding a third piece of birthday cake. 

As a parent, you have to make decisions that your kid just won’t like a lot of the time. And let me tell ya, it is hard. Some days I want to give in, if only so the whining will stop. Some days I just don’t have the energy to be firm or resolute. But for the majority of the questions, it is my job (and my duty in raising a good human) to say no. 

When Does ‘No’ Do More Harm Than Good?

As toddlers grow and learn, they become more independent. And that independence can be seen as defiance. Think about it: you’ve been telling your kid what to do and how to do it since they were hold enough to hold their head up. 

Now that they have the ability to think for themselves, they yearn for autonomy, even if they don’t know what that looks like. 

Saying no because it doesn’t fit what I want or need in that moment only serves me. My son won’t learn how to do things for himself if I’m constantly squashing his efforts to do it on his own. 

There’s no reason your two and a half year old can’t climb into their learning tower unassisted. There is no reason your three year old can’t set the table or dress themselves (haphazardly), or get his own cup of milk from the fridge. 

Make sure the tower is sturdy and keep an eye out. Give your kiddo the forks and bowls but use plastic if you need to. Keep a cup with a sealing lid on a level he can reach. 

Just because it might be easier if you do it (or cause less mess) doesn’t mean it is on your child’s best interest. Give her space to learn and do it on her own. Stop constantly saying no and see what happens.

When is ‘No’ More Frequent?

I tend to say no more often when I am overwhelmed. Either from a challenging day with my son or when life gets in the way. 

Lately, I’ve found myself preemptively saying no before I actually know what my son is going to say or do. It became reflexive and I didn’t like the negative energy it was bringing. I was starting sentences like:

• “No, we don’t get out of our chairs during dinner.” When my son was just adjusting in his seat.
• “No you can’t do Play Doh, mommy is doing laundry.” They have nothing to do with one another; why can’t he play with Play Doh?

I am actively making an effort to hear my son out and choosing to do the fun thing even if it isn’t how I would do it, or if it is something I don’t really feel like doing. By letting go of that control instead of deciding what’s best immediately, we both stay calmer and our days run smoother. I can tell from my son’s reactions that he is excited when I don’t shut him down immediately.

How to Avoid Being the Bad Guy

When you start saying no all the time, you inadvertently paint yourself as the bad guy because you’re ‘never’ giving your toddler what they want. 

Stop Overreacting

I know, easier said than done. I try my best to not overreact to my child, but there are times when it is difficult because he has been pushing my buttons all day. It makes me short with him and then I end up saying no to even more things unintentionally. 

Take a breath and ask yourself if it is worth it to make a big deal about you toddler not listening on the first try or spilling their juice after you told them four times to slow down. 

Stop Burdening Your Child

When you become overwhelmed, you tend to take it out on the people around you. This includes your children, whether you realize it or not. 

Toddlers are people too, and they absolutely feed off of your energy. Even if they can’t express it, our kids know when we are frustrated and short with them. Stop making it your kid’s problem and focus on how you can fix your attitude. 

Avoid ‘Not Right Now’

We all know that ‘not right now’ really means it isn’t going to happen. Even your toddler. So to avoid him getting upset, you need to change your verbiage.

Many times, it just isn’t convenient or safe to say yes. If you kid asks for crackers while you’re merging onto a highway, you’re probably going to need to say no. But if you can alter that ‘no’ into something more appealing, you’re more likely to avoid a tantrum. Most of the time, your kiddo just wants to be heard. Below are a few examples of how to change how you respond:

• “Mommy needs to focus on driving right now to keep us all safe. Can you save your question and ask again in a few minutes?” You acknowledged that he has a question but that safety comes first. He feels heard and you can merge safely. 
• “We didn’t bring your swimsuit today, so getting in the water isn’t an option. Why don’t we go home and play in the sprinkler?” You acknowledged that he wants to play in the water, but explained why it can’t happen. Offering an alternative is better than a flat out no. 
• “I don’t have gummy bears to give you. When we get home, we can add them to our shopping list. Would you like animal crackers instead?” You didn’t tell her no, you gave her an immediate alternative, and promised the thing she wanted at a later date. 
• “We can’t get out the paint right now because you have gymnastics in twenty minutes. We have to get ready to leave. Put on your shoes and we can decide another time to paint.” You gave a reasonable activity and offered to work together to find a solution. Simultaneously, you focused the attention on what needs to be done immediately.

Negative Effects of Saying No

For Your Toddler 

Children internalize a lot more than we realize. It will come to a point where they will expect you to say no. This can manifest in several ways. 

She could stop asking to do things with you and start to pull away. He could start lashing out and be physically demonstrative by hitting, kicking, or throwing things.

Your preschooler may try to gang up on your younger child as an outlet for their frustration. They may start parroting ‘no’ about tasks they used to have no problem with, like sitting on the potty or helping mommy sort laundry. 

For You

Believe it or not, saying no all the time is mentally exhausting. You’ll become frustrated quicker. I noticed that I was constantly holding my shoulders up near my ears because I was ready for a fight from saying no. 

You may physically hold tension in your neck or traps. You may start being tired as soon as you wake up. Once you stop constantly aying no to your kiddo, you may notice your body start to relax.

Benefits of Saying Yes

For Your Toddler

Your toddler will feel validated in their requests. When you can say yes to simple things like letting them choose what’s for dinner or allowing five extra minutes of play time, it results in positivity for the both of you. 

Your child is more likely to come to you to ask questions. It is also easier to handle having to say no when I can provide an alternative to the request.

For You

When I say yes more often, I find myself less likely to anticipate a meltdown (and to handle meltdowns better overall). If you want some tips on handling those toddler tantrums, check out this post. 

It also makes the day a lot more fun if I say yes to pulling out the slip and slide even if I want to rot inside on a hot day. Choosing to read one extra book one night a week is not going to ruin my son’s sleep schedule. 

Unless we have somewhere to be, there is no real reason to say no to playing with Legos for five more minutes (aside from the imaginary schedule I keep in my head). He wants to wear snow boots in July? It’s not hurting anything. And it leaves me feeling lighter and less stressed from trying to control every situation. 

Lessen Your Need for Control

At some point, your child is going to pull away from you. Their need for independence will outweigh your want to keep them under your wing. By loosening that control little by little when they are young, you avoid meltdowns, frustration, and tears (your and theirs). 

Loosening your control also gives them the ability to think on their own and eventually make sound decisions and exercise sound judgement. 

It is easier to do this when they are young to prepare them for whatever life throws at them when they are older. If you keep that control until they are tweens or teens, they will become stunted, unable to make decisions for themselves. 

Give Them Room to Grow

I get it. You’ve nurtured this perfect little creature. Shaping and molding and protecting your baby. But at a point, that nurturing becomes stifling and your toddler will let you know about it. Gently ease off and watch your little one blossom. 

By doing so at this stage, you are still there when they are scared or need help. Pivot from telling your kiddo what to do to encouraging them to make a good choice. Instead of making a decision for them, start asking what they think should happen. Sometimes they’ll get it wrong, but oh boy, when they get it right, it’s magic. 

Saying no to your child is a reflex that you have to learn to control. Have patience with your kid and with yourself. You’ve got this, Mama. 

Have you found yourself stuck in a loop of saying no, throwing a tantrum, feeling guilty, rinse and repeat? Are you struggling to stop constantly saying no to your child? What worked for your family to remain positive and supportive? Let me know in the comments below.