What to do When Your Don’t Like Your Spouse: Tips for New Parents

What to do When You Don’t Like Your Spouse: Tips for Surviving the First Year Postpartum 

Babies bring such joy to our lives. They bring the experience of creating life, the ever expanding love of a new parent, and countless other self-realizations.

They also bring postpartum hormones, leaky bladders, strain to otherwise solid marriages, and ten truckloads of exhaustion. And occasionally, they might make you realize that you don’t currently like your spouse very much. 

What if Your Don’t Like Your Spouse?

I was chatting with a friend of mine, who’s son recently turned one. She and her husband have been together for over a decade. They have grown together from college freshman, to graduates, to working adults, to spouses, and now parents. Together, they have dealt with grief and loss. They have celebrated incredible highs. They have a supportive network of family and friends. A safe and loving home. A beautiful child and countless memories together. Don’t worry, I’ll get to my point momentarily. 

They have all the trappings of a stable and flourishing marriage. So when she asked me a simple question, I was taken aback. The question was “I knew postpartum was hard, but when will I start liking my husband again?”

It seems like a simple enough question. Your first reaction might be to laugh, or ask for clarification. You may even think it sounds hurtful. 

But I took some time to really think about it. You see, my friend is really quite level headed. But she found herself becoming frustrated repeatedly by similar instances. Namely, having to pick up after her husband, and feeling as though he was making her days more difficult. And these instances would lead to bursts of anger, arguments, resentment, and even pettiness. 

So how do you get back to a place of being emotionally attracted to your spouse when you’ve spent such a long time in a state of resentment or distaste for your spouse?

Check Your Self Awareness

Is your spouse actually being intentionally hurtful, or is your resentment based on your emotions? There is a difference between disliking the way your husband does laundry and disliking that he refused to do laundry and expects you to do it. 

Similarly, if you only pay attention to how you’re feeling when the feelings are negative, you are not allowing yourself to see your husband as a whole, but rather reducing him to your perception of his flaws. 

Remember Why You Chose Your Spouse

There were reasons you chose this person to be your spouse. He has qualities that appeal to you as both a husband and a father. This is not some man off the street that you are learning to live with, but rather a man you had an active role in choosing. 

Mountains Vs. Mole Hills

Determine whether specific situations are actually worth making a big deal out of. I remember feeling like everything was a big deal about two months after my son was born. It was the height of my exhaustion, overwhelm, poor self image, and anxiety.

My husband likes to say “All feelings feel big in the moment,” meaning you may need to give yourself some time to cool down before constructively talking about a topic. 

Hormones can Play a Large Role

I remember those postpartum days well. My hormones were a stormy sea at best, a bloody battlefield at worst. I didn’t feel heard. I felt appreciated and then completely ignored. It was inconceivable how much in love I was with my little family and then resentful that my husband wasn’t leaking, bleeding, sagging.

While your feelings are valid when you feel them, try to remember that they may not be accurate. I can confidently say that my hormones were nutso at the time, and my anxiety was not rooted in reality, even though it felt perfectly normal at the time.

Recognize Your Faults

I’m a good mom. I’m organized, nurturing, comforting, good at planning, and well aware of everything my child needs. That also means that I can be controlling and adopt the attitude that it is easier to do everything myself. Check out my post on asking for help as a SAHM if this sounds familiar. Because I run a well oiled machine (most of the time), it can be easy for me to take over and not allow my husband to parent. 

This can make my husband feel pushed to the side or unappreciated. While he definitely appreciates and admires my ability to handle business, I don’t want him to feel like he doesn’t have an equal say in parenting. Because he does. But I can get so in my own head about how things should be done that I get frustrated with him for doing things differently. 

Being aware of your own shortcomings (or at least your trigger areas when it comes to your spouse) can help you come to a place of understanding. It may be easier to address your irritation with your husband if you take a look at what actions bother you most. 

Be Realistic

Do you actually feel like your husband’s maid or is it that a tidy home gives you peace of mind and his clutter is encroaching on that?

Does it actually bother you that your husband has a guy’s night once a month or do you feel lonely in your new role, causing you to project?

Whatever issue is causing you grief, look to how your personality is affected by it and it may be easier to find a solution. 

How to Stop the Annoyance

You will need to actively work towards a place of connectedness, even if it goes against every annoying feeling you are having right now. Take the time to assess what your marriage needs.

Be Willing to Communicate With Your Spouse

Sometimes, men are just dense. To be fair, women can be as well. Your husband is not a mind reader. If you sit on this unpleasantness without telling him about it, he may simply just not know that you have an issue with something he is doing. 

Your Icks May Change Postpartum

It may not have bothered you before that your husband leaves food on his plate instead of washing it off, but now that you have 27 baby bottle pieces to clean daily, it is grating your everlasting nerves. Because it has never been an issue before, your husband may not realize it is one now. 

You May Not Be Able to Skirt Around Issues

Prior to having your baby, you may have just skirted around issues that now drive you up a wall. For instance, if your husband left his clothes on the bathroom floor before, you may have found it easier to just pick them up on your way to the washer. Now, it might feel like he is intentionally giving you more work to do.

Talking to your husband is the first step in getting to a place where you are not constantly annoyed with him. 

Set Boundaries

This may come as a surprise, because you are trying to get closer to one another, but setting boundaries can be a good thing. Be open with your husband and let him know (in a non confrontational way) what you need, and what you can no longer tolerate. Below are some examples.

• “Hey, when you do XYZ, it makes my job more difficult each day. Can you please ABC so that I am not getting overwhelmed?”
• “I do not feel appreciated when I have to [insert problem here]. We have discussed [possible solution] before, can you make sure you are meeting me halfway on this goal?”
• “Husband, I am feeling very worn down, and it makes me feel as though I cannot do a good job as a mother. I need [a break, time alone, your help, etc…] in order to get to a place where I can do a good job.”

How to Start Liking Your Spouse Again

Once your needs are being met, it is likely that the anger, annoyance, and frustration will ebb. It can still be difficult to bridge the gap from no longer actively disliking your spouse to actually enjoying them again. Below are some tips for bringing you closer. 

Lean In, In the Bedroom 

I know what you’re thinking. If I spend all day annoyed at my husband, how am I ever going to want to be intimate with him? I get it, it can be tough to get in the mood when you’ve been pulled on all day long, your to do list is a mile long, and even your husband’s breathing sets your teeth on edge. 

But I have found that when we are physically satisfied, my husband and I are more gracious to each other outside the bedroom, and more willing to be understanding if the other has an issue. 

Although it can be more difficult to find the time AND energy to come together, I think it is important to try. As my friend says, “If it is not a HECK NO, it’s worth trying.”

You may have more success in this arena if you start small. Touch each other when you walk past, hold hands on the couch, or just genuinely look at each other when having conversations, and the physical intimacy can start to build. 

To be clear: this is not me saying that it is your duty to satisfy your husband or that you should ‘grit your teeth and bare it.’ But rather, use physical closeness as a way to manifest emotional closeness. The goal here is to like your husband again, and if that means intentional time spent cuddling, so be it. 

Spend Quality Time as a Family

Seeing your husband actually get to be a Dad is really cool. Like, better than my imagination, cool. Seeing that hunky guy that borrowed my class notes wrestle my son or read him a story makes my heart swell. And I am more apt to find him endearing when I see him parenting. 

Spend Quality Time as a Couple

You were a couple before you were parents, and it is important to remind yourself of this fact. It does not have to be extravagant, but it does need to be child-free to have the desired effect. 

You can check out this post here for simple at home date ideas. 

Find Time for Deep Conversations

My husband and I used to have some of the best conversations when we were traveling to see family. Being ‘stuck’ in the car for several hours gives you the opportunity to have more than surface level conversations. 

Please note that those conversations are now regularly interrupted by our tiny tyrant in the backseat, but it still feels great to reconnect when we can. 

Find a time to have conversations outside of managing your household, appointments, and responsibilities. If you find an article that speaks to you, share it with him. If he listens to informative podcasts regularly, ask about them. You can use these inane topics to see each other as partners again, rather than co-habitators.

Be Silly Together

Did you see a (non degrading) meme that reminded you of your husband? Share it with him. Did your kiddo make you belly laugh? Share it with him. 

The Ugly Truth

Many women underestimate just how much they’ll change upon becoming pregnant and/or having a baby. There is a lot of emphasis put on the physical changes, but much less on the mental and emotional changes women go through. Check out my post on what I wish people told me about having a baby.

This can be a lot to take in, especially when you are overtired, overstimulated, and just plain overwhelmed. It takes time and effort to understand your body again. Keep in mind that while this is your baby’s first time experiencing the world around them, it is also your first time experiencing life as a new mother. Until you are accepting of that fact, it may be difficult for your partner to start understanding. 

Many times, a partner is unable to comprehend all of the shifts you’ve made through pregnancy and postpartum. Their body did not change drastically, and their hormones were not building and crashing constantly. Your husband did not spend months with his head in the toilet or find it difficult to do everyday tasks like putting on his shoes. He did not start spontaneously crying over things decidedly not cry worthy. 

So when you came out of the newborn fog and settled into a rhythm with your baby, he probably assumed things were going to get a bit easier. And they do. But you were fundamentally changed, and he’ll most likely need to play catch up to understand. 

Try to remember that this brand new you is someone that you yourself are just meeting. And therefore, your partner has to meet her too. All of these changes are something you’ll need to navigate as a unit. 

Work Together

You are a team, not on opposite sides. By forgetting that, you can do your marriage a disservice. 

If you need better communication from your spouse, ask for it. If you need reassurance or patience while you figure it out, ask for it. Even if you need to be vulnerable but are scared to do so, talk to your husband. You will not regret working for your marriage. 

DISCLAIMER: this post is for mothers and wives who want to get back to a place of friendship and love with their spouses. This article is not meant to be a cure all for couples with unresolvable differences. If you feel the safety of your child or yourself is in danger, please seek help from local medical or law enforcement professionals.

Update

I’m happy to report that my friends have found closeness again in their marriage. It was not without effort on both of their parts, and because they wanted to work together on their marriage. Daily, sometimes hourly, dedication to strengthening your marriage is utterly difficult when you already feel so distant. But I do believe that you can enjoy your spouse again if you are both willing to work on it. 

Was there a point in your marriage when you really just didn’t like your spouse? If so, what allowed you to become close again? Let me know in the comments below!